what do you say to taking chances?

things are good. easy. flowing. i think it’s harder to write more when things are alright. it’s so much easier when you’re scared. confused. mad. upset. the words flow better and you can write more. when you’re happy..you don’t want to say too much and sound stupid. or conceited. or whatever.

i’ve started to realize how much of an undeciding person i am, even without meaning to be. apparently it can be somewhat annoying. but i don’t mean to. i just don’t wanna come up with a decision and have it be the wrong one. i don’t know. but that wouldn’t be good would it? if you made a decision and someone was just like…no you’re wrong. that’s stupid. or you made someone mad with your decision. i don’t want to upset people with my decisions. so i try not to.

current thoughts: love. the future. jobs.

just because i’m losing, doesn’t mean i’m lost.

a list of things:

  • i’m a flirtt. i realize.
  • i don’t mean it when i flirt. it just happens. and it’s somewhat entertaining.
  • i’m writing a letter while simultaneously typing a blog.
  • i am going to die with all of the extra activities i’m doing this fall/winter.
  • i love my boyfriend. no one else.
  • except my friends. but that’s a given.
  • i wish people would mind their business.
  • i am such a hypocrite.
  • i’m glad i have friends who can be totally honest with me and vice-versa.
  • i would never do anything to hurt anyone i care about.
  • i need to chill.
  • i love making cds.
  • i have probably spent more money on music than clothes this year.
  • i’m working on my handwriting.
  • i wish i was littler. but not height-wise.
  • i love cool remixes of songs.
  • i wish i could wear sweatpants/sweatshirts to school everyday without looking like a slob.
  • i’m excited to be in a band.
  • i wish i didn’t procrastinate as much.
  • i don’t have to try in school. but i’m gonna fail when i’m forced to work hard.
  • making cds doesn’t mean you like someone.
  • i try to hook people up. sometimes it works.
  • i can get people to open up to me pretty easily.
  • i lie. but not intentionally.
  • i’d like to think i’m a good listener.
  • i speak over my friends on the phone. whoever talks the loudest gets to continue.
  • i overthink things way to much.
  • i make things more complicated and confusing for myself.

again, i need to chchchilll.

current thoughts: resolvement. set-ups. homework.

i’m falling off the face of the earth.

why do people have to gossip? especially when they have no idea what’s going on? seriously. if you’re going to go around starting complete bullshit you might as well have solid evidence that it’s true. because honestly. basically 99% of all rumors your end up hearing are totally wrong. and then people just get annoyed. especially when the things that are being started don’t even make sense and are so complicated and ridiculous that they would never happen anyway. it’s annoying. plus, i guess you can’t be friends with a kid without liking him. or destroying your relationship with the boyfriend you’ve had for almost 4 months. nope. guess that doesn’t happen. i mean come on. you make cds for someone? you must want them in your pants right? no. not really. not at all actually. whatever.

current thoughts: new music. complications. friendships.

my hands shake, i’m not usually this way.

so as i predicted. i freak out over nothing. but whatever. it’s completely, totally fine. i read a quote today: “worrying is a waste of the imagination.” and wow it’s so. true. it’s like a never-ending cycle. think. come up with some terrible scenario. worry. try to stop. change the topic. re-do. awesome. oh well. that’s life i guess. so the end of summer finallyy hit me. i don’t think i’ve ever missed summer this much, mostly because i didn’t really get to fully enjoy it. i was always gone. doing something. not with people at home. i mean, i guess it didn’t get boring? but i definitely missed everyone at home and i was sickk of being away. so that turned into a “ready-for-school” feeling. and by the time it came around i wasn’t ready. i hate being stuck in the same routine. i mean..i guess there’s a summer routine too? but it’s more laid-back. more relaxing. easier. it was: wake up at 11. hang out with friends. have 2-day sleepoverrs. go to bed at 2. 3 am. then repeat. but that never really got old because you could do something new every day. plus i went on vacations. camping. that kindof stuff. but now…the routine is: go to sleep at 9:30. 10 at the latest. wake up at 5:45 am. go to school. don’t see anyone unless they’re in your classes. come home. workout. homework. repeat. much less fun. and only…three months until our next vacation. and then this stupid labor day long-weekend was just a reminder of the summer that’s completely gone. it was just mocking us. like “ha. summers over. you have school on tuesday.” blah. thanks. i just realized how cycle-ly my life is. seriously? we just all live in cycles. i would rather not…

i need security somehow.

i hate days when i don’t see friends. boyfriends. almost friends. social interaction in general. i get depressed-feeling. its no fun. and i don’t wanna feel like that. i wanna be upbeat and happy and excited about life. but i can’t. there’s just this huge weight of unhappiness that’s pulling on me at all times. should be people be able to impact you like that? it doesn’t seem fair. and the thing about being a girl..we over think. everything. anything. we analyze and pull things apart like its our jobs. and then i worry. i worry about the future. years. months. days. hours. what’s going to happen? i wish i knew. and then i’m able to come up the absolute worst-case scenario. and it makes me sad. and then i’m worse off than when i started. i need something to assure me that everything is going to be alright. that everything is going to work out for the best. but i don’t know if anyone can give that to me. so far, no one has.

current thoughts: homecoming. homework. procrastination.

the day that never comes

so i was talking to my friend, and we decided that we should google the word “love.” and so i did. here’s what i came up with:

“love is any of a number of emotions and experiences relating to a sense of strong affection and attachment. the word ‘love’ can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. The diversity of meanings, combined with the complexity of feelings involved makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.” (wikipedia.com)

and then basically it goes on to describe the different scenarios and instances where love can be applied. from “i love my husband,” to “god loves me.” both are completely valid examples, but the meaning changes completely, it’s awesome. and then i started reading the chemical basis of love, mostly dealing with the boyfriend/girlfriend/couple scenario. it summarized “love” into three different stages: lust, attraction, and attachment; all three of which can be explained with different chemicals and receptors in the brain, and the general idea was that all three stages had a select chemical or so that increases in production and triggers those feelings, but eventually the chemical goes down to normal and the feeling of “love” wears off, usually after about a year.

but you know what? i don’t like that at all. i don’t want to know that any relationship i have that i will ever feel “in love” during is always going to wear off at some point. that’s just not fair. that’s like not even giving it a chance because someone already told you that it won’t last. you know what else? i don’t like that being a “kid” makes it so that you shouldn’t be able to “love” anyone. just because you’re young. who made up that rule? how does being older make you any more experienced in loving someone. sure, maybe you’ve been in more relationships, but everyone should be able to feel what they feel. pretty much though, the exception to that rule would be the DAY people start dating as littlee kids and they’re like “ah i love you.” no. you just started going out with this person. you know nothing of what they’re like as a couple. get to know them. work up to loving them. that’s how it should work.

current thoughts: love. exercise. relationships. procrastination.