the outcome of a still verdictless life

thanksgiving is but in a week and two days. in honor of the holiday, i am making a list of what i am thankful for:

  1. my family
  2. life’s necessities
  3. my health and my family’s health
  4. my friends
  5. my possessions
  6. music
  7. art
  8. loving memories
  9. warm fires
  10. long ski weekends
  11. life opportunities
  12. education
  13. infinite possibilities for the future

current thoughts: slacking off. babysitting. unemployment.

oh, look what you’ve done.

i think today is the hardest i’ve cried in a few years. does anyone else realize how demeaning, heart-wrenching, ultimately terrible it feels to know that your own mother doesn’t even believe what you tell her? not only doesn’t she believe, she refuses to listen until you tell her what she wants to here. you give her the confession she has been coming up with in her head for years. it goes so far that you can’t even look at her. you can’t talk to her. and the one person you thought would be by your side until the very end has turned on you. yes, friends can fade. boys can come and go. but family is supposed to be forever. what happens when the one sure thing you have been promised you can always count on has managed to slip away. and who knows when it’s coming back. and the worst part is? you didn’t even do anything. you had silly teenage fantasies that were intercepted by the wrong person. they have been suspicious of nothing for a long time, but that final straw gave her the ambition she needed to completely breach your privacy. she tore through your most personal belongings, your most private thoughts. until she had gathered all she needed to know. innocent comments turned into secret phrases with hidden meaning. everything you said, wrote, thought, was twisted as soon as it left your mind. all of the security you thought you could have in paper and pen has transformed. now it’s those very same materials which you confided in, that have destroyed everything. even friends, whom would always stick by you, are worried for their own sake. they don’t have time to comfort you, their own safety is at stake. if their own parents were to find out, they would be in the very same position. but maybe not. maybe they would have parents willing to listen to their side of the story. willing to try to comprehend what they were saying. not just coming into it throwing accusations. maybe they’d be lucky enough to get a fair chance.

current thoughts: psychotic parents. fair trials. let-downs.

here it comes, diving into me

i want to make a difference. yes, millions of people say that everday. but i don’t care who believes me or not. i don’t need credit for any good i do. i want the self-satisfaction that you receive from knowing you helped another human being. we owe at least that to every other person on the earth. all it takes is one person trying to good in the world. today, we watched a slideshow of some of the most impoverished people in the world. seven years ago, a man took a trip down to oaxaca, mexico and he was ultimately inspired to make a difference. and he did. he provided homes, food, hope, for these people. i want to become a part of this. i want the work i do to help these people in some way. we all complain about the drama in our school, our clothes being out of fashion, not getting that $1000 gift for christmas. we can all suck it up. so many of us are completely unaware of the suffering that is going on all around us. we learned about a native american reservation where every ten days, someone will kill themselves. it could be a 10 yearold boy, or a 75 yearold man. it has become a natural occurence in their lives. they have given up hope of a future for themselves, and decided that if there is nothing left to work for, why carry on? that presentation gave me a whole new perspective on the necessities. i want to be able to fly to mexico and volunteer to help those in need of it. i can live without a new laptop. no one is able to live, survive even, without food, shelter, care. it’s all about priorities. it’s about time i set mine straight.

current thoughts: beans. airfare. honest expression.

all we need is just a little time

i don’t know where i would be without my friends. they are the anchor keeping me here, keeping me from floating away into a world of complete confusion and depression. they provide the reasurrance i need to continue the daily hardships of everyday life. the best part is that i know they are always there for me, and in some ways they need me just as much as i need them. that knowledge of a mutual weakness is comforting. knowing that i’m not the only one who has no idea what the world will bring. that we’re all just out here fighting for whatever we can. and we’re all together in that. people don’t realize how the little signs of affection and caring can affect a person in the best of ways. and how the mocking, cruel jokes of school children can break a person down. until there’s nothing left. everyone needs some sense of security, the sense that people truley care for and respect them. when they lose that, no one can really know how far they’ll go to have it back. there are countless recollections of shootings, deaths, suicides. all events that could have easily been avoided had others involved stopped their own selfish thoughts long enough to figure out that their target had finally reached the end. but no, they keep going and only realize their faults once it’s too late. in my own life, these few best friends i have provide a safety net. they keep me from falling off the edge.

current thoughts: last year. notes. homework.

lights down, you up and die

i love the smell of candles and just the process of being able to light it. it brings back memories of childhood birthdays, or family dinners, when i would beg and beg to be the one to strike the match and then to blow it out. back then, the tiniest things could make a person happy. watching the smoke rise from a candle;getting a new set or markers;catching a ball;counting to 100; jumping in leaves;seeing the first snow fall from the sky. and making friends used to be so much easier. put 2 five-year-olds together and they will instantaneously become best friends. when did life become so hard? when did expectations rise and the little things in life not matter anymore? in today’s world, we all want and want more. we crave the future. we wish to know what comes next. the world has become cruel, confusing, and unforgiving, and it only gets worse from here. what ever happened to living in the moment. to taking everything in and just floating.

current thoughts: fall. scented candles. ice water.

love, show us the way to overcome hate

i love: lists. friends. love. leave piles. music. art. communication. cliches. hot chocolate. house. snow. sleepovers. warmth. ambitions. heartfelt words. skinnyness. tyrone wells. dave matthews band. unknown prophets. christmas songs. getting things done. good grades. trying. hanging out. understanding. being clean. snowflakes. other lists. chapstick. jobs. having money. holidays. ignoring farmville. looking decent. italian jujubes. phone calls. jewelry. scarves. crisp air. listening.

current thoughts: mount snow. christmas. breakfast.

this city is burning.

i hate my mom. so much. i fight with my brother. so what. we both got over it and we were watching the world series game within the hour. but can she deal with that? no. she clearly can’t. first of all, she never even said anything. rather than just easily tell me “caroline you’re grounded,” she decides to just let herself have the satisfaction of when i ask if i can have people over she just flat out tells me no. because of the way i behaved three days ago. thanks. thank you for letting me get my hopes up that i could hang out with my boyfriend for the first time in three weeks. and then destroy it. for something that doesn’t even concern you. i didn’t do anything to you. jamie still loves me. we’re fine. i hate you. get the fuck out of my life.

current thoughts: disappoinments. boring weekends. loud music.

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