what happened?

to all of us? we’re grown up….no more shit, ya know? i went out to dinner last night. at an actual restaurant, not som siam. without my parents. dressed up. with a group of couples. i drove myself there and i paid. what?? since when is that something i can do? what happened to going to lenny&joe’s on the weekends with my family. going on the carousel and getting vanilla ice cream in a cone with rainbow sprinkles? it’s all going to freaking fast. i can’t stand it.

i feel like hiding

in my room..away from the world. i don’t know how i’m going to be able to take this all year. i know for a fact that i can’t. i physically just can’t cope. i started crying yesterday..and i’m really not sure why. actually, maybe i know. i think it’s just everything. just hitting me at once. i can’t deal with it and keep my sanity all at the same time. it’s impossible.

and you’re not helping. i know you think you are, but you’re not. in fact, sometimes you make things so much harder for me. and add so much extra shit onto my already-overflowing plate of responsibilities/worries/problems. and for that, i’m starting to doubt everything.

so i chickened out…what of it?

oh elias..

things are decent. i think i have a grasp on school and everything, even though i feel like i’m swimming in all this work, but i’ll get it all done eventually i suppose. ap biology will be the death of me, i can feel it. so will concert choir and history and math, just because they’re so useless and stupid and a complete waste of my time. great.

i held the door open for an old man today. i was walking up to the door right as he was pulling in, so i looked over at him, smiled , and proceeded to stand there. he had a bit of a struggle getting out of his car, but when he saw i was there to stay he smiled back. he said “oh no, you aren’t going to hold the door for an old man like me?” i said of course and held the door open for him. he returned the gesture when we walked in to the eye doctor’s office. it makes me happy to know that the world isn’t full of mean, self-centered people. some of us still care.

should i do it? i’ve been tearing the scenario apart in my head since monday, and i still haven’t fully decided. sure, i suppose “everyone” has to try it, ha. and it would just be this once. and it’s not like there’s any chance of me getting caught. but still, it’s scary. scary knowing that you are doing one of those things you’ve been told not to do since the 1st grade. one of those things that you know has to disappoint your parents, your friends. but still, i want to experience it. and i know it’s not good. and i’m not getting sucked into that vortex, i can promise you that. i’m a smart girl, i make educated decisions, and i will be careful. i love everyone who cares, but maybe it’s just time. if it happens it happens, if not, no big deal.

ants in mah pants

why don’t we have any grades up yet?! I WANNA KNOW HOW I AM DOING. OK HIGH SCHOOL?!

by popular demand

i’m starting to get into the swing of things. the week before we started school i was nervous; anxious; scared; overwhelmed, but now i’m fine. even though i have done maybe 3 or 4 hours of homework this weekend alone, it doesn’t seem to faze me. I’m strangely at peace with everything that i need to do (jobs, schoolwork, friends, responsibilities). Ironic, huh?

I think this year is going to be a good change. everyone’s basically where they’re supposed to be, and that’s where they’ll stay. no more switching friends groups every four months, no more figuring out what you should dress like and your so-called “clique.” cliques are all a myth at GHS anyway. in most cases, you can hang out with whoever you want. listen to whatever music you want. dress however you want. act as you will. and you can still be friends with everyone. i love that about the high school. it’s liberating. and it’s only going to get better. college? i couldn’t be more excited. complete freedom. did you know the average college student wakes up at 10 in the morning for their first class? and the average hours of class time per day is three? that’s insanity. for all of us slackers who sleep in to a whopping 6:00, 6:45 at the very latest every morning. it’s hard to even wrap your head around. it’s one of those final steps into adulthood, and as scary as it is; i can hardly wait. think about it: one more graduation. and then it’s our turn. into the big, bad world with the lot of us.

alright, i need to get back to bio. night fellas.